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1:40: On to FanFest! Rachel and I are too tall for the T-ball field, so instead we stroll over to the dunk tank.

During a reasonable 11-minute wait, I talked to the dunk tank victim, wearing a Phillies jersey. I wanted a backstory so when I dunked him, I could feel a true catharsis.

Unfortunately, Frank DeMaria doesn't work for the Phillies at all. He's a huge Mets fan, who cringes every time he puts on the gray and red jersey.

"I'm not wearing it for my health," DeMaria said. Still, he's doing it to provide that sense of revenge to hundreds of Mets fans every home game.

1:51: By the time it is my turn to throw, I've made a friend. How can I dunk him?

HOWARD: Frank, this feels wrong!

FRANK: No, go ahead! It's hot today!

I missed in all three of my attempts. Naturally, Rachel followed, and dunked him on the third shot.

I asked her if it seemed empty, knowing that Frank was one of us.

RACHEL: No! That felt awesome. I just felt very accomplished.

2:05: To the Mr. Met shop! Many items for children, though disturbingly, the Mets baby bottles were not labeled BPA-free. As if it isn't cruel enough to raise your children as Mets fans...

2:12: The Verizon store was next, and Rachel got the chance to interact with David Wright on a Verizon phone!

RACHEL: He gave me three different choices of things for him to do.

HOWARD: Were any of them Return From the Disabled List?

The store was a good place to recharge -- for both us and our phones (you can recharge your phones there).

While the Mets were playing on the 108-inch screen, there were six surrounding televisions playing other things. I focused instead on Judge Mathis.

2:14: Wow, Judge Mathis seems mad at "Ashley." the defendant.

2:34: We make our way over to Banner '47, stopping along the way to watch the Kiss Cam on the scoreboard. I'm pretty sure I'd go to a stadium to just watch Kiss Cam for three hours. It is compelling drama in 10-second intervals.

2:44: Banner '47 disappointed -- there were actually more Banner '47 items in the team store!

2:47: To the bar on Excelsior Level for a quick drink. Huge windows overlook ... auto-body shops. For Mets fans, the rezoning of Willets Point can't happen soon enough.

RACHEL: I can see our car from here!

2:52: Caesar's Club is next, for some relaxation. It's like an oversized living room, with plenty of televisions, and delicious sandwiches. A perfect place to relax and enjoy the game, if you aren't looking to actually be at the game.

3:04: Flat screen in the bathroom! How have I not done this at home?

3:18: It's top of the seventh, and we're not sure where to go next. At Fan Assistance, a helpful Mets employee who chose to remain anonymous directed us to the Flushing Mets Cow, the bullpen view, even the Pepsi Porch. Finished? Not even close!

3:24: We pause along the first-base side of the 500 level and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

3:26: We encounter Amazin' Cow. Pretty basic cow with a Mets jersey on. Strange to see someone in a Mets uniform without a cast.

3:30: The New Era Store, 500 level, with more Mets hat varieties. Did you know they made a teal Mets hat? I guess you can wear it down to Florida, so all eight Marlins fans don't give you a hard time.

3:40: As we head to the Pepsi Porch, we stop by "Touch" by Alyssa Milano. Rachel, like Barry Zito, had a strongly negative reaction to encountering Milano.

RACHEL: I'd be all about a Mets necklace ... but rhinestones? How tacky is that? I mean, I'm not a rhinestone girl, but still. Awful. Tacky.

3:44: To the calmness of the Pepsi Porch, a beautiful area, but seemingly underutilized. Lots of wide -- open spaces, but few picnic tables, and the fare at the one concession stand was pretty standard. Someone needs to open one of the specialty shops up there and make it a destination.

3:52: We wound around towards the bridge, and found the spot by the Shea Home Run Apple inside the bullpen gate, sitting just 15 feet or so from the visiting bullpen. As we watched Brad Lidge warm up, we summed up our day.

Citi Field had given us a fair number of thrills. But in essence, it is a neat comp for the current Mets themselves. The stadium, absent the game, is baseball-ish, without the real thrills in a typical Major League game or season.

As Rachel said, "I had a great time. But I'd have enjoyed watching the ballgame more." That's pretty much all you can ask from a ballpark. One can't expect it to compete with the pleasure inherent in a major league baseball game. That's no indictment, it's an impossible standard.

But it may be helpful for the state of minds of Mets fans to have the Citi Field diversions. We walked past the children lined up for the Mr. Met Dash, got into the car, and heard the news about Johan Santana.