We've all got bad breakup stories, all think we've heard the absolute worst. The guy who did it over e-mail. The girl who sent a "C U Nvr" text. The time he dropped the news on Valentine's Day. The morning she casually mentioned she'd "started seeing" his brother. In our younger days, we knew a dude who once had a girl come from Brooklyn to his Manhattan apartment, hooked up with her, ended the relationship shortly afterward and then -- when she asked if she could at least crash the night so she didn't have to go all the way back to the borough -- said sorry, he didn't "think it was a good idea."
Now, every story hurts and every story stings, yet none of them -- none -- comes close to LeBron James' arranging for an hour of airtime on national television and then, basically, telling the city of Cleveland that "it's not you, it's me."
Honestly? A Post-it would have been better. Shoot, even having the Allstate guy do it would have been preferred.
But no. Not LeBron. He didn't just want to dump the Cavs on prom night, he wanted to get up on stage, take the mike from the sweaty lead singer with the Flock of Seagulls haircut and announce to everyone that hey, by the way, that girl he'd been dating for his whole life? Yeah, she actually has BO and wears bulky sweaters all the time for a reason.
King James? Not so much. More like King of Pain, and so before Cleveland starts spending nights angrily cutting LeBron's head out of the Polaroid pictures on its bedroom mirror and listening to "I Will Survive" over and over, we might as well just move on to this week's points ...
Fairer than the Cavs' owner going ballistic
Quick recap: Winners in the LeBron Circus? Snowbirds, Kobe Bryant and all of us who are looking forward to getting our Twitter feeds back now that this "story" is finally over. Plus 5.
Also, kudos to Alex Rodriguez, whose 2007 "let me interrupt the World Series with this announcement about me" entrée to free agency suddenly looks very, very tame, by comparison. Plus another 3.
Speaking of A-Rod, did anyone notice he's three homers shy of 600? Plus 6. That'd be pretty amazing if, you know, um ... cough ... Minus 6. Call it Even.
George Steinbrenner is, understandably, livid with Brian Cashman for not even being in the hunt for LeBron, but Cashman redeems himself by moving to the "verge" of landing Cliff Lee. Plus 5.
Nick Swisher wins the Final Vote contest among fans, beating out Kevin Youkilis for the final American League All-Star spot and showing, yet again, that John Kerry can't win the big one (sigh). Plus 4.
Johan Santana pitches a shutout and homers in a win over the Reds. Plus 5. Santana then proceeds to do all the postgame interviews, throw in the team's laundry and study a few aviation maps since he'll also be flying the team plane on the next road trip. Plus 2 more.
How dominant is Santana? So much so that Jose Reyes and Josh Thole can spend the whole day trying to see if it really is that tough to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time. Plus 3.
In an effort to show gratitude to their fans, the Mets announce that they'll be randomly handing out Citi Field gift cards and seat upgrades to fans at this weekend's series. Plus 4. The fans' reaction: Thanks, but Cliff Lee would've killed you? Minus 2.
The Jets work out a deal with D'Brickashaw Ferguson (Plus 2), resulting in 10 minutes of celebrations followed by a quick return to this offseason's official mood: Abject panic over the impending Darrelle Revis negotiations (Minus 1).
Total: 35
Fouler than a Jim Gray interview
OK, so is there anything more demoralizing for a fan then watching your team spend three years, a slew of draft picks and the immediate future on the hope of getting a superstar only to be jilted by that superstar during a faux-reality show on national TV interview held 10 minutes from the team's practice site? Um, no, right? Minus 11.
Actually, yes: It's watching that same team send Isiah Thomas (!) in at the last minute to try to make everything all better. You know, because gasoline and matches weren't available. Minus 13 more.
Just to review: The Knicks now have a guy with a bad knee, a bad eye and no defensive ability whatsoever as their centerpiece while David Lee heads to Oakland, LeBron becomes one of the Three Amigos in Miami and Pat Riley -- Pat Riley! -- laughs like he's on ether. What's next: Gouge Your Eyes Out Night at MSG? Minus another 7.
Oh, and by the way, Jim Dolan? Cablevision's "guide" function still sucks. No points, just needs to be said.
So, Robinson Cano wants to participate in the Home Run Derby. Says he's excited about it. Says he's looking forward to it. Then the Yankees say they'd rather he didn't. Then, suddenly, Cano has "back soreness" that will keep him out of the Derby but not -- thank god -- the All-Star Game itself.
Our question: Did this "injury" come from playing with an imaginary friend? Minus 6.
Mariano Rivera is banged up, too, and won't play in the All-Star Game at all. Yankees confirm that, unlike Cano and his injury, Rivera actually feels some sort of pain. Minus 3.
Jose Reyes has a sore oblique and so he went to the doctor. Minus 3. Or did he? Minus another 3. Sort of seems like figuring out whether a player was ever, you know, examined is kind of a given, no? Minus 3 more because no, not with the Mets.
Total: Minus 49
No surprise here -- LeBron's ego cast a foul eclipse over the entire week. Be sure to send in points/items for next week to SamBordenSNY@gmail.com.
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